Dispatches from Washington Square

John McCain clarifies "100 years of war" comment

2008-11-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

"100 is a cardinal number equivalent to the product of ten and ten, and war is a state of armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state."

Obama campaign may face Coriolis Effect at the polls

2008-11-02T12:08:00.000-08:00

Many pundits are increasingly concerned about the accuracy of recent polls because of the so-called Coriolis Effect and its implications for Barack Obama's campaign for the presidency. The effect, first described by 20th Century French engineer Gaspard Coriolis, whereby a mass moving in a rotating system experiences a force acting perpendicular to the direction of motion and to the axis of rotation, could potentially spell trouble for the historic campaign as volunteers sweep out across battleground states informing voters of its effects. "It is important that when people go to vote on Tuesday they make sure to take into account the fact that the Earth is a rotating body," said Obama spokesman David Plouffe. "We don't want accidental McCain votes because voters' hands are drifting across the ballot." Although the Coriolis Effect is typically used to describe weather systems it has been an issue in presidential elections before, most notably in a 2004 town-hall style debate when John Kerry alarmed many viewers by repeatedly veering westward, occasionally wandering off the stage, and more recently when Florida congressman Mark Foley sent a series of emails cotaining increasingly lurid descriptions of inertial frames of reference to an intern in his office.

NFL Live Transcript

2007-08-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

Rece Davis: I'm Rece Davis here with Mark Schlereth for another segment of Coors Light Gimmicky Football Segment. Mark you have 35 seconds to answer the first question. Will the Bill Belichick and the Patriots add another ring to their collection?

Mark Schlereth as 35 seconds starts to tick down on the screen and stock footage of Patriots highlights rolls: Well Bill Belichick knows his players can play football. Tom Brady knows how to play the game of football and knows he can depend on the guys around him to play football as well. I mean here's a bunch of football players that know how to get it done. Football.

Rece Davis : Can the Bears defense carry them back to the Super Bowl this year? You have 10 seconds.

Mark Schlereth: Well the Bears defense knows how to get down in the trenches and play smashmouth football. Here's a bunch of hardnosed smashmouthed trench warriors, that use trench warfare to enact hardnosed smashmouth smashmouth trenches.

Rece Davis: Will New Orleans be able to pick-up where they left off from last year's magical season? you have 40 years to answer. Years pass and nothing is said between the two, at one point Schlereth asks if there is any coffee around. Rece Davis gets a polyp removed from his large intestine. Schlereth finds buddhism and goes on a pilgrimage to Nepal for several years before returning disillusioned by the sect's dogmatic mythology. 12 more years of silence follow on the set before Schlereth answers as the clock on the screen ticks off the final seconds.

Mark Schlereth: Smashmouth.

Rece Davis: Will Jamaal Anderson be able to help out Atlanta in his first year? 3 seconds.

Mark Schlereth: Here's a guy who likes to get down in the trenches and play smashmouth.

Rece Davis: What is this a picture of? 2 weeks. Rece Davis holds up a picture of a World War I soldier at the bottom of a trench holding a Smashmouth album

Mark Schlereth a bright smile comes over his face followed quickly by confusion and then guilt then a smile again. Mark furrows his brow and stares intently at the picture for 13 days. Finally a horrified look comes over his face as the blood drains from his cheeks: Football?

Rece Davis: That's all for this weeks Coors Light Gimmicky Football Segment back to the studio. When Rece Davis tries to throw it back to sportscenter he realizes that there is no one there. Him and Schlereth walk outside to find only ashen ruins and an old newspaper that brushes by their feet with the headline "Yellowstone about to Blow". Davis and Schlereth realize what they have to do to save civilization and have several children, one of whom grows up to be a modestly succesful hair stylist.

60 Minutes Transcript

2007-08-16T10:44:00.000-07:00

Morley Safer: And now some thoughts with Andy Rooney.

Andy Rooney hunched over his desk scowling at camera: Things are different now than they used to be. I've noticed that people act differently now too. People say "Hey" to me a lot now. I'm not sure what "hey" means; I usually just nod politely and say "go fuck yourself" back, they seem to like it.

A lot of people drive cars now. I don't much mind cars, but for the life of me I can't understand why they need those steering wheels. Don't people know where they're going? The windshield is a curious thing. Are people afraid of getting a little fresh air every now and then? Never made much sense to me.

You know I keep some interesting things in my desk (produces a pencil, 3 guns and a back issue of Highlights magazine) What on earth would someone need with all this junk? Here's a folder labeled "this month's electricity bill", not sure what that one's for. Here's a greeting card with a cow on it. Cows are funny animals, although I don't know why they stopped calling them "horses". Seems to me like a perfectly good name for an animal.

I've noticed recently that a lot of places have unusual names. New York is a strange one. So is Asia. Asia sounds more like a sandwich to me. Which reminds me, just where did I leave my gun?

Katie Couric: That's all for this week, join us next week for an all new 60 minutes at its regularly scheduled time.

The Saga of the Story Chronicles Legacy: Episodes I-IV - Part I

2007-04-01T16:47:00.000-07:00

Bill Cartwright was a wily man of many desires. One of these desires was to change his name, so he did the next day. To Steve Meddletettle. Steve Meddletettle was a boring man and not the subject of this story. This story is about a man named Chris Bivvet-borm . . . stein. Chris Bivvet-bormstein. Still reading? Good. I only mention Bill Cartwright because he played center for the Chicago Bulls, and Chris Bivvet-bormstein hated the Chicago Bulls. But that, too, is another story altogether. For another day.

The end.

Or is it? No, it isn’t.

Who was this Chris Bivvetbormstein? And why was his name no longer hyphenated? And who was Steve Meddletettle? Bill Cartwright. Which brings us to the plot. And plots are funny things; always with their introductions, story arcs, conflicts, denouements. Steve Meddletettle loved to say the word, “denouement.” It made him feel smart, but not too smart. Not as if he said “fin –de-siecle,” or something. No. That would make him sound much too smart, and would completely ruin this story, and his character arc, which doesn’t actually have anything to do with this story. But Chris Bivvetbormstein, on the other hand, had a plan. It was his plan. The plan was his and belonged only to himself. And a few others. Like Steve Meddletettle, who also had the plan. But that plan, like so many others, came and went, although there will be a brief discussion of it, in the denouement. Very brief.

Ephemeral possibly, if one wanted to add a measure of subtlety to the prose. Chris would want it that way, if he knew we were writing this. He doesn’t, because he doesn’t yet know there is a story about him. This is only the fourth paragraph, after all.

But then there was a new character to be introduced to the story: Sarah. Sarah Gleb. Sarah had a face like a spoonful of mayonnaise and even the most vicious punch to her face would elicit only peals of honey-sweet laughter. She had a laugh like a taped recording of someone laughing. Only there was something more real about her laugh. She had a nose like Eugene V. Debs, and the legs of Ken Griffey Sr. Yeah she was a woman alright. And she was an alright woman. Yeah, she sure was. A woman that is. Alright?

Chris and Sarah were a synthesis. Maybe they were The Great Synthesis, but probably not. Sarah hated track meets and gave vegetables first names. In her refrigerator (before she was killed by the explosion) were three tomatoes named Gary, Eunice and Tad. Chris ate Tad on a grilled cheese sandwich, which received a 37 on his cheese sandwich score sheet. To give a sense of the scale, your average PB&J would get, well, it would get a 0, because there’s no cheese on it, which is the main criterion for Chris’ cheese sandwich scale. If you threw a slice of cheese on that PB&J you’re looking at about an 11, tops. Because it wouldn’t taste very good. Both Chris and Sarah were insane, but very few people noticed.

A few years later, long after the denouement, Chris and Sarah decided to start a new story. Written by a different author and distributed by a different publisher. But Steve Meddletettle had something else in mind: he was thinking about how he should mow his lawn this weekend. Which he did, in a rather uneventful episode (except for a brief altercation with a musk ox).
The story is over.

And yet in some ways it never started. Actually in all ways. Now it starts:

Chapter 2: The Story . . . next week

Congressional heckler disrupts global warming hearing

2007-03-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC - Former Vice President Al Gore plead his case for an initiative to fight global warming before a House and Senate panel Wednesday. However, during the proceedings a freshman Congressman from Iowa disrupted the former Vice President's presentation.
While trying to paint a vivid picture for the panel of the ecological crisis, Gore said "The planet has a fever..." It was at this moment Representative Kevin Jacobs, R-Iowa yelled out, "And the only prescription is more cowbell!"
The whole chamber, including Vice President Gore, had a bit of a chuckle, but then everyone agreed the reference was fairly obvious and a little played out.

Aristocrat Smeared In New Yorker Cartoon Threatens Lawsuit

2007-02-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

New York, NY - Oil Baron and Financier Oliver Cartwright Summers IV demanded yesterday that the New Yorker issue an apology and formally rescind the caption of a cartoon published in the magazine's most recent edition, threating to file suit against the magazine if his demands are not met.

The New Yorker responded in a Press Release, writing, "Despite Mr. Summer's prestige and sway among the Tammany establishment, our cartoon was in the utmost taste and was in no way influenced by the actions, past or present, of Mr. Summers or his colleagues. We believe any lawsuit to be completely groundless."

"It's libelous! A direct and unfounded attack on my person, and I shan't stand for it!" shouted Mr. Summers, the noted billoinare and society member while staging an informal press conference on the steps of the New Yorker building. "Hearst will have a field day with this!"

When informed by the press that William Randolph Hearst had been dead for nearly sixty years, and therefore no longer possessed a controlling interest in any New York City Daily, Summers replied with a vocal, "Harrummphh!" and retreated to his Mercedes limosine, mumbling an unintelligible phrase that mentioned "My lawyers," and "about time for a sherry."

The controversial cartoon depicted two gentleman in top hats and tails sipping cocktails while reclining on the porch of a thoroughly immodest beach cottage. In the foreground an apparently middle-class woman is on the beach reading a novel while two children play in the sand. The caption reads: "I agree. Summers at the beach can be insufferably loutish."

"I wasn't targeting him. I didn't even know he existed," said Tom Sclafani, the cartoonist. "Apparently he didn't get the joke. It seemed pretty obvious to me and the editors. People don't even wear top hats any more, do they?"

Mr. Summers was unavailable for comment at his Wall Street office prior to and after the press conference, his secretary and several members of public relations revealing that he normally spends the morning "embroiled in his papers," enters the office around 10:30 to make a long and dramatic speech while standing at the head of his favorite boardroom table, checks his mail and asks to "see the ticker." Most days he is informed that the ticker no longer exists, and that stocks are now followed over the internet, to which he normally responds, "Bosh," and is presented with one of nearly a dozen recycled tickers purchased from the National Archives for just such purpose. At noon he retires to the Yale Club where he lunches and then naps until four, at which point he cables into his broker's office with his desired stock purchases for the day, which are unceremoniously ignored.

Sources from the Yale Club would only comment anonymously on the situation, with one such source laughing uncontrollably about the "coincidence of this whole thing."

"I haven't seen old Olly so shook up about something like this since the Hawley-Smoots tariff," said the source. "It's a terrible coincidence that he is such a drunken boor whenever he heads to the Hamptons, but to be honest, that cartoonist hit things right on the head. What a said way for that chap's career to end, once Olly gets wind of who he is and all."

Mr. Summers' lawyers later issued a statement:

"Our client is distraught and appalled at how he has been treated in the New Yorker. While the artist and the magazine deny any libelous intentions, it is clear from the mode of dress, the chosen drinks, and the expertly manicured moustaches that the two gentlemen in the cartoon are none other than J. Sherman Cutty and Carl Everett Wrightstone, Wrightstone of course owning not one but several homes in the Hamptons of which our client has often been a guest. We have spoken to both Mr.s Cutty and Wrightstone, and they have vehemently denied any loutish actions by Mr. Summers while on holiday."

The lawyers did mention however, that both Cutty and Wrightstone thought spending any part of the summer at the ocean was in rather poor taste.

So Long Barbaro, We Hardly Knew Ye.

2007-01-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't heard the somber and utterly crushing news, America's favorite equine succombed to complications from a fractured leg suffered during last years Preakness. Yes, Barbaro, the inspirational thoroughbred who won one fucking race in front of thousands of blacked out rich people and inexplicably captured the imagination of thousands was euthanized on his Pennsylvania farm early this morning.

Barbaro's stall was strewn with flowers and grieving letters from the bereaved who were as close to this animal as they were with the squirrels they've probably ran over throughout the years. Many fan sites and blogs (http://webpages.charter.net/javaellybob/index.html) have set forth an outpouring of grief and mourning normally reserved for the likes of a childhood pet or family member even.

For the rest of us, Barbaro's passing means that no longer will we have to sit there idly while our beloved teams and athletes get their Sportscenter airtime usurped by a fucking horse.

And yes, I now realize I'm going to hell.

CNN.com headlines from January 8, 2007

2007-01-08T19:48:00.000-08:00

U.S. submarine collides with obese, single parents

Video emerges allegedly showing Saddam brightening lives, beating blues

Princess Diana destroys Malibu buildings

Jolie shocked by mysterious barn owl deaths

Scientist: Girls face more fat risk in Montserrat volcano

Mayors increasingly seek to duel in the desert

Hawking: I'm planning murder on Mars

Bush to announce new Iraq plan "sometime next week"

2007-01-05T11:32:00.000-08:00

Washington DC - President Bush said today he will announce his new blueprint for Iraq "sometime next week." He went on to say, "Maybe next week. I don't know. Could be the week after. It'll be sometime before February... probably." Reports inside the White House indicate the President's ambiguous deadline is due to several changes in and around the oval office. First off, Bush has been very busy replacing cabinet members and reshuffling top aides. Also, with the Democrats taking control of Congress, he has been strategizing ways to keep partisan differences from creating government gridlock.

Reports also indicate that he received a Nintendo Wii for Christmas and has gotten really in to 'Wii Bowling.' An unconfirmed rumor suggests he already broke a 52-inch plasma TV when he lost his grip on his Wii-mote, and threw it through the screen. This allegedly "really bummed him out" and instead of sitting down to finish his new Iraq strategy, he spent two hours on the internet first looking for new TV's on E-Bay, which eventually led him to watching hilarious clips on YouTube.

Another set-back could also be linked to his recent purchase of season 5 of '24.' With season 6 about to start, analysts suggest the President is anxious to catch up.

Washington insiders believe the President is prone to putting things off until the last minute, especially with a lack of a clear "due date." Should Congress demand a clear deadline, he will probably still pull an all-nighter the night before with a case of Redbull.

CNN.com headlines from January 3, 2007

2007-01-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

Angry Nixon left home alone

6-month-old dog vowed to 'ruin' Chevy Malibu

10 most memorable moments of Barbara Walters vs. Louisiana State

Bush seeks Rhineland's rising star, kills flourescent green pig

Jurors weeps over ancient ice shelf

Weather improves for Tijuana drug gangs

Quick-thinking toddler to resign from No Child Left Behind

Davenport Lays the Pipe That Lets Steelers' Running Game Flow

2006-11-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

Najeh_Davenport was understandably apprehensive about joining the vaunted running attack of the Pittsburgh Steelers. With the retirement of the legendary Jerome Bettis, there are some pretty big shoes to fill at the running back position. The "Bus" has now been replaced in the backfield by the "Dump Truck", as Davenport's teammates now call him, and the Steeltown offense has continued to drop loads of yardage on their hopeless opponents.
Used primarily as a fullback, Davenport does most of the Steelers' dirty work. "I'll tell you what man, I'm pooped", proclaimed the Dump Truck following Pittsburgh's thrilling comeback victory over the Cleveland Browns. Bill Cowher summed it up by saying "Najeh doesn't give a crap who you are. He'll run you right over, juke you out of your shoes, and leave you behind like a bewildered college chick who has just woke up with a most unwelcomed gift."
Davenport recalled one run in particular that occured late in the fourth quarter in which he picked up a crucial third down. "They were trying to strip the ball, I felt the pressure coming, but I knew I had to hold it in. Then the hole opened up, it was like the flood gates had opened. One of the greatest runs I've ever had."
We may never the kind of runs we witnessed from Davenport any time soon. And as much as the Steelers have stunk up the joint this season, they couldn't have come at a better time. As for the Browns, it's back to the drawing board. They shouldn't need any extra motivation after witnessing Davenport run through their backfield like water through a Mexican tourist.

Hey dancing skeletons, enough with the xylophones, Jesus

2006-11-03T14:18:00.000-08:00

Holy shit skeletons, enough with the goddamn xylophones. Haven't you heard of a fucking saxophone? I know its convenient to pull off your femur and bang out a tune on your friend's ribcage, but the rest of us are tired of hearing it every time we drive by a cemetary. Look skelly, xylophones died with late 70's fusion, even Roy Ayers is tired of the fucking things, I mean you died for Christsakes, how about you leave the living alone with that goofy crap, and pick up a new instrument, like bagpipes or something, you know, dignified and timeless, just like you old buddy. But please, enough with the fucking xylophones.

NBA Wrap-up

2006-11-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

Kobe Bryant had a big night in Washington Tuesday, forcibly violating a frustrated Gilbert Arenas for 42 points. Bryant penetrated to the hole easily on several occasions, assaulting an already demoralized Wizards team, both ravaging them on the boards and having his way with them from behind (the three-point line). Kobe who was unprotected (contractually for much of the summer) made several unwanted advances to the hoop, deflowering the inexperienced Wizards front line, despite small forward Antawn Jamison’s repeated desperate pleas to stop. Also Kobe played in a basketball game.

Meanwhile in the Sacramento-Phoenix game Ron Artest killed everyone, but not before a career game, dropping 25 with 16 boards on the late Amare Stoudemire. It was Artest's best performance since he scored 126 with 47 blocks at an NBA-sponsored "Read to Acheive" event against a vaunted St. Mary's defense.

John Kerry not the first Democrat to suffer from a botched joke

2006-11-02T11:02:00.000-08:00

John Kerry is only the latest politician to suffer due to a botched attempt at a joke. Previously, the most famous instance came in the election of 1876 between Democrat Samuel J Tilden and Republican Rutherford B Hayes. In the week leading up to the election, Tilden had a clear 15 point lead over Hayes, who voters saw as stodgy, weak, and uncharismatic. It was in a speech to a group of Delaware business owners that the publicly adored Tilden sealed his political fate.
At a time when a post-Civil War America was steel reeling with tension, Tilden attempted what he hoped would be a clever, yet innocent jab at Hayes' military service and notorious diffidence. The speech transcript had written "My opponent was seriosuly injured at the Battle of South Mountain... now, I would love to call him a hero, but I have a feeling his testicles were amputated on the battlefield." However, Tilden accidentally stuttered, saying, "I.. love.. to.. feel... testicles." The Republican spin machine immediately went to work, and soon that comment was on the front page of every paper in the country.
Tilden suddenly found his support collapse in three key states in the early throws of homophobia. Failing to win Florida, Lousiana, and South Carolina, Tilden eventually went on to lose the White House. This incident gave rise to a phrase commonly associated with politicians who make an embarassing comment: "Putting Tilden's balls in your mouth." It was later was changed to "putting your foot in your mouth" in the 1950's.

A closed letter to Jared Fogle

2006-11-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Jared Fogle,
Hey man. We gotta talk. What's up with you lately? Why are you trying to pick a fight with McDonald's and Burger King? Things are starting to get awkward. In your recent commercial you say "the BK Stacker has as much fat as six Subway sandwiches." We know man. Morgan Spurlock already told us. Fast food is bad for us. You basically stole Total's whole "it would take six bowls of Raisen Bran" bit and are trying to pass it off as your own. It's pretty much the same thing.
But it's not your plagerism that I'm concerned about, my friend. You're picking the wrong fight. While you're out lambasting the burger chains, Quizno's is out there making Subway look like a bitch. They've got construction workers calling out Subway for not having enough meat in their sandwiches. And maybe you are aware of this and have no good response. You've become like some meathead guy who gets embarassed at a bar in front of all of his friends by some wise ass, and then to take out his frustration, starts picking a fight with some weak looking guy outside who wasn't even involved. I'm just saying, chill out on Burger King and McDonald's. It's not their fault people prefer Quizno's. Maybe get a Whopper to calm your nerves. One won't get you back in to those big pants my friend.
Sincerely,
Tom

Lyrics to John Mellencamp's "Our Country"

2006-10-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

John Cougar's courageous ode to spatial awareness

Well I can stand beside ideas I think are right
And I can stand beside the idea to stand and fight
And I do believe there’s a dream for everyone
This is our country

Well I can stand beside things that are adjacent to myself
And I can go inside structures that are larger than me
And I believe I like the things that I enjoy
This is our country

Well I can walk through doors provided that I am smaller than them
I can't read
This is our country

My Correspondence with CNN's Jack Cafferty

2006-10-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

My email to CNN's the situation room:

"I don't mean this to sound demeaning, but what exactly is Jack
Cafferty's job? I get the whole gruff man's-man persona, but is the
sole purpose of his employment to read letters for 2 minutes ever hour?
What exactly is in his file, letters? Am I supposed to get excited for
"The Cafferty File"? Why don't you just have Wolf read the letters, you
know, get behind the whole streamlining downsizing trend."

Jack Cafferty's actual reply back:

"Knock it off...I need the money"

An open letter to Citibank

2006-10-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

To the Advertising Department:

While watching LOST on ABC tonight I have not been able to avoidwatching you new advertising campaign, featuring a presumably eastern european turtlenecked gentlemen with a broken English accent, rackingup credit card points with the aid of his hapless accomplice "Victor." I am a caucasian male in my twenties, and based on the content ofthis commercial I believe you are probably targeting my demographicwith this campaign. I hope for your sake that I am incorrect, becauseif this is true, you have failed miserably.

This campaign is an insult to my sense of humor. I have never seen a more obvious corporate attempt to seem alternative. I want my bank to keep my money safe, and give me a car loan with a low interest rate. I don't want my bank to make commercials about Romanians with bad fashion sense. Don't try to make me laugh, Bank. Your ad department is the joke, and you're losing a lot of money.

14 year-old Bangladeshi factory workers happy to help The Gap fight AIDS in Africa

2006-10-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Last week, clothing giant The Gap announced a partnership with U2 frontman Bono’s "(Product) Red" campaign. A portion of the proceeds from special edition red Gap t-shirts will go toward fighting AIDS in Africa. Big names like Steven Spielberg, Dakota Fanning, and Olympic speed-skater Apollo Ohno have joined the Gap in its noble fight. However it’s not just America’s great directors, ambiguously matured child stars, and currently irrelevant leap-year celebrities that are excited about The Gap’s commitment to ending AIDS in Africa. Gap employees company-wide have got the AIDS fever.
At The Gap’s Patuakhai factory in southern Bangladesh, garment manufacturers like 14 year old Shumi Rahim are thrilled to making the (Product) Red t-shirts. “Fighting AIDS in Africa is such a great cause, I am so happy to be a part of this momentous movement,” says Rahim. “It’s just such a good cause. Sure, Bangladesh has a few of its own problems… like cholera… and dysentery… and polio and rabies and bacterial diarrhea and typhoid fever and something called leptospirosis that I’m told I currently have… but the AIDS in Africa, it needs to stop.”
Really, it’s the impact the Gap is making that has these employees working fifteen-hour shifts and skipping lunch. Patel Asmani, 14 year old mother of eleven, exclaims, “Gap is giving $10 for every shirt we sell to fight AIDS in Africa? $10? Wow! That’s four month’s salary on every shirt! This AIDS thing will be gone in a week!”
Some are just excited about the shirts themselves. Matesh Bandi, 14, can’t believe how stylish they are. “What is this fabric?” she said. “It is not made of burlap or jute? It.. it feels like milk on my skin! Can I have this? No? Then what is it for? AIDS? What is that? Can I eat it? Dear God, I hope I can eat it.. I’m so hungry…” Yes, everyone is hungry to fight this terrible, terrible disease.

National Headlines

2006-10-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

• Cheesecake Factory more popular than competitor Cheesecake Sweatshop

• Kyrgyz Leader calls for spellcheck

• Captain Crunch Court-Martialed for “Oops! All Berries!” Catastrophe

• US Installs Muppet Government

• Bush Administration announces comprehensive “War On Cavities”

• Gary Sheffield eviscerates fan with bare hands

• Bush Administration declares “Jihad on Terrorism”

• Al Qaeda Declares “Jihad on Cavities”

• To continue theme, Gary Sheffield bizarrely declares “Spellcheck on Muppets”

I don't need your sideways glance, middle-aged T lady

2006-09-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Nancy, or Stacy, or Donna, or whatever your name is:

I get it. In fact, we all get it. You are the moral compass of this MBTA green line car, I assume because you are wearing a pants suit. We, and I speak for all other T riders, apologize for getting in your way when entering or exiting, moving through the car and causing you to adjust your hold on the rail. It is an ageless crime, that we lack the means to travel outside your stately T confines, and must therefore clutter your otherwise empty subway car, filling it with students, young professionals, hobos, and most incredulously elderly Chinese couples.

Your scorn is noted. And therefore, I request - no beg - an end to that rapacious assault you employ upon me when I invade the pleasant commute from Brighton to your windowless receptionists' desk/cubicle/mid-level manager's bathroom where his wife won't find out . The sideways glance and aggravated sigh are like knives into my heartless chest. No! Please don't roll your eyes! I'm sorry you have sit next to a "wage earner" in a double because the man with a cane took the single seat.

Remember, the "Life is good." sticker posted off kilter on your filing cabinet is but minutes away, and yet the scowl you gave me for accidentally nudging your purse while paging through the Metro makes life for me seem, well not "is good". Please forgive me, over-madeup 30-something. It's not like I made you stop going to your pilates classes, (your gut is sagging over your black straight-legs these days). Surely I can't be blamed that guys haven't been after you since frat parties 14 years ago. Listen to your girlfriends. Those co-eds weren't talking to you because they were drunk and you were easy. They liked you for your mind, and guys "just aren't like that anymore." Trust me, its not that you gained 20 pounds, work in a dead-end job, and go home each night to sex and the city re-runs (everyone says your most like Samantha) and a low-carb bacon cheeseburger.

We, the saxaphone case carrying Berklee students, young professionals wearing Sketcher sneaker-shoes, hipsters, and of course elderly Chinese couples will try our best to stay out of your way. We'll crowd around the door so you needn't move back during rush hour. I'll inform the tourists to keep their gabbing to a minimum, and personally I will try not to be grossed out when I accidently notice your spider vanes. Just please, don't give us "the look." It hurts so much coming from a middle-aged going on twenty year old like yourself. The last thing we want to do is interrupt the texting on your RaZR. And no, nobody is hitting on you.

COORS LIGHT “LOVE TRAIN” PLOWS THROUGH STADIUM, DOZENS KILLED. ONLOOKERS DESCRIBE CARNAGE, COORS OFFICIALS PROBED FOR ANSWERS

2006-09-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

FOXBORO - An otherwise routine Sunday of gridiron competition quickly gave way to chaos and confusion when at 2:37 pm the Coors Light “Love Train” made an unscheduled passage through Gillette Stadium, badly damaging the building’s structural integrity and killing several fans and players. Blaring the ominous death knell of the 70’s disco hit “Love train” by the O’Jays the runaway train plowed through the lower corner of the north endzone at over 270mph instantly collapsing the west ramp and several sections of the mezzanine. Fans described the scene in horror, “Things started getting very cold,” said local Billy Sullivan, 37, “and then we heard that song coming from somewhere and we knew something bad was about to happen, that song will haunt me for the rest of my life.” Meanwhile, Coors officials seemed perplexed about the accident, one of the worst in US rail history. “There aren’t even any tracks going through Gillette. Don’t you think it’s impractical to put railroad tracks through the middle of a football stadium?” On this tragic day traumatized fans could only muster the heartbreaking response , “Yes Coors, it is.”

An Open Letter to Babies

2006-09-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Hey babies, you suck at everything. What the fuck are you always crying about? You're such a bunch of pussies. We get it, you don't have any context for describing your external environment. So what, stop shitting everywhere. Maybe I'd take you more seriously if you could talk, dumbass. I threw a baby a ball the other day and he dropped it, what a shithead! Oh yeah, and sweet stroller douchebag, why don't you stop being so goddamn lazy all the time and try walking, oh that's right you can't. Get back to me when you stop acting like bunch of stupid fucking imbeciles.

A Correspondence with Cervix Q. Waffles

2006-09-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

Cervix Q. Waffles emails me:

"HEYY!!!

REPLICA //ATCHES BAZAAR!
Chose your favorite /// a t c he $$$!!!!!

5 ye8aer //arranty!!!

Ro-LExxx!!!!"

I respond:

"Dear Cervix Q. Waffles,

It has been too long since our last correspondence, but alas I am no longer in the market for your fine watches, or as you playfully call them "/// a t c he $$$!!!!!" Please Cervix, I beg that you do not take this personally. I still remember fondly our childhood days at the academy. During football games you would cheer a daring forward pass with your nonsensical but endearing cries of "Eeenlarge your p'ennis! Sensationall revoolution in medicin! Its herbal solution what hasnt side effect!" Would that we could return to these halcyon days dear Cervix. I hope that this email finds you and your wife, Mrs. Waffles, well.

Cordially,
P.M. Brannen"

Viable Career Options for English Majors

2006-09-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

• Kill people and take the money you find on them. Deposit this money in your bank account and use at your discretion. (Note: This is not legal)
• Buy hundreds of dollars worth of lottery tickets. Flush them all down the toilet and kill yourself.
• Exchange graduation money at a local liquor store for the highest quantity of the most inexpensive gin in stock. Drink until you no longer question why you are drinking and think nothing of your hazardous exposure to the elements, the kind shepherd Death will come for you soon.
• Pursue a career in the exciting and lucrative field of narcotics retail! Tax-free with unlimited opportunities for upward mobility, this hot job is always looking for motivated and enthusiastic individuals ready to make some serious $$$!! Choose your own hours and work from home!! (Note: Must not be afraid of getting murdered)